How to Pick a Movie

There are more than 1000 movies in my pocket.

Think about that: 1000 movies I can call up any time and watch on my phone. That’s 985 more than are playing at the local AMC theater, although, to be fair, they do offer 24 screenings of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 every day. (And people wonder why cinemas are failing.)

It boggles the mind. Or at least it boggles mine. I remember a time before the internet, before compact discs or VHS tapes, when the only way to see a movie was to go to the theater or wait to see if it played on television. And that was no guarantee because there weren’t the same plethora of channels or streaming services back then, either. Sure, the local theater occasionally showed a rerelease of a movie that was a couple of years old; Disney was famous for doing that with their animated films. But chances are, if you missed something at the theater, you missed it.

Not today. Think of almost any movie, and you can call it up to watch, from the latest releases still playing at the theater to the most obscure genre film you can imagine. It’s exciting and overwhelming. How do you keep from scrolling through the list of movies you choose?

Here are some suggestions:

First, think of a movie you enjoyed watching. Let’s use Kill Bill Vol. 1 (2003) as an example. When it’s done, ask yourself some basic questions, like who directed it, who starred in it, who was in it that was cool but wasn’t one of the “stars.” Were you impressed by the look of the movie? Who is the cinematographer? Like the music? Who did the score?

Using that list of answers as a springboard, dive into the search engine of your streaming service, or imdb.com, and start to connect the dots. Quentin Tarrantino directed it, so watch another Quentin Tarrantino film (Pulp Fiction). Uma Thurman was great as the Bride, so watch another Uma Thurman movie (Dangerous Liaisons). Sonny Chiba was excellent as the samurai sword maker Hattori Hanzo, so watch a Sonny Chiba Movie (The Street Fighter). Take a chance and see where your cinematic curiosity leads you. Just be ready to hit a few stonewalls along the way. David Carradine was perfect playing the part of Bill, but if following the trail of his career leads you to Evil Toons or The Warrior and the Sorceress, you may never want to watch another movie again.

Kidding. One of the keys to this is knowing that it’s perfectly OK to decide what you’re watching is crap and shut it off. People, especially those who think of themselves as ‘cinephiles,” take their movies, or ‘films,’ way too seriously. They must be alone in a theater watching the 35MM pristine print projected on the biggest possible screen, or else the experience is almost unacceptable. I understand their passion to a point. Several years ago, I had the good fortune to watch a 70 MM print of Lawrence of Arabia at the beautiful Coolidge Corner cinema in Brookline, Mass. It was terrific to watch Peter O’Toole and Omar Sharif race across the desert on camels in an image so large that they were racing from one end of the theater to the other. It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, but the fact that I can rewatch Lawrence of Arabia on my phone, Kindle, laptop, or wide-screen TV anytime I want in the comfort of my own home – or anywhere else – is equally appealing. And if you get bored and want to stop it before its 227-minute (3.78333 hours) running time expires and watch something else, then do it.

And one further note on film critics: Don’t listen to them. I know what I’m talking about with more than 36 years of experience as a professional reviewer (meaning somebody paid me to go to the movies and write about it for publication). Read them. Find ones whose writing you like and follow them, but always take their opinions (and that’s all it is) with a grain of salt. The 25 members of the Fourth Estate sitting through a private press screening of a new release will all have different judgments to pronounce when the lights come back on. None of them is the final word. That belongs to you.

But what about all those movies still sitting in my pocket? How will I decide which one to watch once I stop writing about how to decide on what movie to watch? Let’s find out using my Prime Video account. Right now, its top ad space is trying to convince me I should watch Ticket to Paradise with George Clooney and Julia Roberts, which is included in my subscription, or spend $20 to rent Paint, an Ownen Wilson movie where he plays a guy loosely based on the iconic American painter, art instructor, and television host Bob Ross. They both look dreadful. So I move up to the categories on the pull-down menu and select Action and Adventure because it’s my day off, and I want to watch guys fight and stuff blow up. There’s an old James Bond movie (Dr. No), an old Jackie Chan movie (Rumble in the Bronx), and a lot of old Sylvester Stallone movies (mostly Rockys and Rambos). In other words, a lot of old films, which is fine. It’s not what I’m in the mood for, so the search continues.

There are a lot of remakes and sequels on the page, which is a minefield all its own. Why watch a remake of The Magnificent Seven starring Chris Pine when you can watch the original with Steve McQueen? (And yes, I know The Seven Samurai is the ‘original,’ but it’s not on the page.) There are a lot of crappy Liam Neeson action movies, all of which feel the same (dull) no matter what the title. There are a couple of Bollywood films, but I’m not up to that challenge. It takes a certain mindset to watch a three-hour film stunt spectacular where the cast does as much singing and dancing as they do fighting (RRR). 

There are a lot of Monster movies to choose from Croc, Centipede, Python, Apex Predators, and Stinger. A lot of cheap kung fu movies, too. And for some reason, the classic comedy It’s A Mad, Mad Mad, Mad Mad Mad, World is under the action/adventure banner. Maybe the scene where Jonathan Winters destroys the gas station.

To keep from scrolling up and down the list for the next several hours, I narrow the parameters of my search and pick a movie I’d never seen before. Not as easy as it sounds, given that I’ve averaged about 250 movies a year for the past 36 years (and that’s just as a reviewer). I’ve never seen Sonic the Hedgehog 1 or 2, and I never will. The same goes for Calm Like  Bomb, Road to Revenge, or the creepy sounding Stalked by My Neighbor. None of which looked interesting enough in the photo on the site to warrant any further investigation.

And so another half hour passes. I give myself 1 minute to make a selection. Scrolling furiously, completely forgetting my own advice that I can stop it if it sucks, I finally make a decision: The Protégé, mainly because it has three of my favorite actors in it: Michael Keaton, Samuel L. Jackson, and Maggie Q., It’s also directed by Martin Campbell, who helmed some of the better Bond movies, including Casino Royale and Golden Eye. So what if he also directed Green Lantern?

Click here to watch the trailer. Come back to cinekong.com later to see how it is.