Tasteless Ice Cream Man

½ star

Before it even got into theaters, the internet was flooded by critics, wannabe critics, influencers, and wannabe influencers foaming at the keyboard, trying to get a few additional clicks by bait-ranting and raving over what an atrocity Eli Roth had unleashed on the world with his latest film, Ice Cream Man. 

It was not only the worst movie ever made, they yelled into the electronic void, but Roth had broken the cardinal sin of using AI in his movie.

Here’s my answer: Although it’s pretty bad, Ice Cream Man is far from the worst movie ever made. On any day of the week, I could spend five minutes on TUBI and easily come up with a dozen movies that make Roth’s Ice Cream Man play like a gore-filled Citizen Kane. And, as a devoted fan of movies that are so-bad-they’re-good, I probably watched all of them before. So rein in the “worst” trophy until you’ve done your research. And for the record, Ice Cream Man isn’t even Roth’s worst film.

Secondly, whatever AI Roth did or didn’t use to make Ice Cream Man made absolutely no difference to my viewing experience. My 22-year-old stepdaughter tells me that because I’m old and don’t know what to look for. She’s probably right, and I’m OK with that. I don’t want to be sitting in a theater or at home watching a movie looking for that fight.  If it’s seamless enough for these old eyes not to pull me out of the story, weak as it may be, then I’m fine with that. The fight against AI is real, but Ice Cream Man is a false beachhead.

Having gotten all that out of the way, let’s turn our attention to the film itself.

Directed by Roth from a screenplay he co-wrote with Noah Belson, Ice Cream Man, to give you the official synopsis, “follows an idyllic summer town descending into madness when an ice cream man serves kids sweet delights with horrifying results.”  Basically, any kid who eats the ice cream becomes a murdering psychopath. Thankfully, the town weenie Jared (Charlie Seltzer) is lactose intolerant, so doesn’t get brainwashed by eating one of the frozen sweet treats. And in a nod to extremely bad taste, not alone political incorrectness, Roth teams Jared with Mia (Kiori Mirza Waldman), a teenage girl with an eating disorder who eats the ice cream but throws it up before it can have any effect on her. It’s a sick, dumb attention-seeking bit of dialogue that is probably the most offensive thing in Ice Cream Man. And that’s saying a lot

What Ice Cream Man lacks in story, dialogue, character development, acting performances, and whatever else makes a movie a movie, Roth tries to cover up by covering the screen with gallons and gallons of movie gore. And I say movie gore because no matter how violent the killings become or how lovingly the director fetishizes over them, it’s impossible to feel anything but bored by it all. The fact that Roth shoots 99 percent of the carnage in bright sunlight doesn’t help. Ari Aster might have made horror work in daylight in Midsommar, but Roth’s overlit carnage only illuminates how cheap his movie really is.